Since the month is almost over, I will try and recap as best as I can.
6-22-02 3pm MST
On June First our Triad relationship ended. We will call him "X". We were with X for almost a year. The relationship opened my eyes to new things, so for that I are thankful.
This however is where the thankfullness stops. Do not misunderstand me. I love X dearly. In another time, I would actually want him back. But, that will require a lot of therapy and work on his part. I had no idea until I sent him away that he had mind fucked me the way that he had. And, I found out AFTER the fact that he had pulled the same games with a lot of his ex's.
He has been having ex's and friends/fucks email me and Instant message me a LOT. Even to the point of having them send me "hook up" emails that he had sent.
But, I digress. The point is. I love him, and alwasy will. He lied to me. A LOT, and I only hope that he finds happiness. I have had my closure and will seek no further communication with him. However, the emails and IM's will have to stop. I no longer care about his tricks (that is meant in the sexual form of the word as well as the games he plays). I have blocked him at my main email server and no longer even SEE emails that he sends. So, like I said above, I have closure.
Let me stop for a second and tell you all that when I write in my journal, I write it all at once. I come back later and start a new entry. So, I will get back to the subject of X. Just not now. The wound is too fresh and I have better things to talk about anyway.
Ok, after not hearing from X in a couple weeks, I assumed that he was gone for good. And, I should have left it at that. So, I started seeing someone else. (Of course I was accused of cheating by X, but how can you cheat on someone that is not emotionally or physically there?)
I am taking it slowly with this one. Thats one thing i did NOT do with X. He comes over every few days. We play cards, and just have a good time. We get along very well. But, I will not jinx it by going into too much detail with him not sitting beside me watching and "editing" what I write.
I will just say that I could really "fall" for him :-)
Ok, enough for now. I will write more later tonight or afternoon. And try and keep up with it more than the last one (you old school "Babie" readers know how bad I got there for a while lol).
Until Next Time...
3:34pm
6-23-02 3:27pm
Well, I guess that you have all noticed that i did not write more yesterday? (shhh, our little secret, k?)
I had another long uneventful night. The new boyfriend did not come over, as he said that he would, And I found myself waiting, yet again. It has been over a week since I saw him, and he has said almost every day that he would come over. Oh well, we said that we wanted to take it slow. However, I do not like feeling like I am being played. He does not mean to make me feel that way I am sure. But, I have been played enough in the past year to have had my fair share of it. If only I could take a step back, and just review my life with a new perspective, I wouldn't get hurt so easily.
I am a VERY emotional person, and sometimes read negative things in things that should be taken as positive. Just one of those "everyone is out to get me" things I guess. My problem with this now, and I know the cause thankfully, is X's games. Basically, and I am sure that i have mentioned this to you already. But, he has had a LOT of poeple emailing me, or IM'ing me trying to get me to say negative things about him, or just telling me things that X said himself. Very painful, yet somehow, I have closure.
Now, what am I looking for in life? I can honestly say, without a doubt, that I have NO FUCKING IDEA! For the longest time, I know that I was looking for X. He is no longer here, and so the confussion begins again. In a person or lover, I want someoen that can put me first. Not make me the most important thing in life, but basically, someone that will wake up and want to see or talk to me. (I guess that means that i want a stalker. lol). Now, if this person makes me happy, and makes me feel fulfilled, like X did, that is a wondrful plus. Now, understand that I am not talking about sex. Sex is just that, sex. I can have sex with myself. However, sex IS an expression of love, and for that, I am willing to do anything.
Let me backtrack a bit here. I am loved, by Jarrod. However, several years ago, I was heavely addicted to an over the counter drug. It is supposed to be "non habit forming". But, the drug is called ephadrine. Basically, it is legal speed. They were sold in 100ct bottles. And, I took up to 4 bottles a day. I was very bulemic when I ate, and the rest of the time, very anorexic. It took Alanis Morissette to save my life (I will explain this later or just email and ask me about it). So, Jarrod saw me quite literally killing myself. I believe that this is why he cannot be completely about me 24/7 anymore. I understand and completely support that. That said, X helped us realize that we are poly minded personalities, and therefore we both feel it is possible to love more than 1 person. With X, he was enough. I cannot say that 1 more person could be, but that is what I want. Just 1 more person, for myself, not to share with jarrod (that sounds greedy and self centered, but its what I need and what will make me happy) that treats me the way X did when it was just he and I. Yes, I know that his love was a lie, but, he lied very well, and it made me feel good. I want someone to honestly feel the way about me that X made me think that he did feel. (That made more sense in my head lol)
Now I have met, recently, online, several possible candidates for this. All of whom know, from the beginning, that Jarrod is my rock, and anyone else that i am with will have to know and understand that. I do however, do not require someone to be with just me. I would like that. but, it is not a demand, especially since I cannot promise the same in return. Now, let me also say, that I do (well, up until this past week) feel like the new BF is someone that would be enough so I would not feel the need for anything else. But, he is not showing much interest in moving forward with us. If he makes a move to become more involved, then I will know that my search is over, and will ONLY socialize for friendship.
Well, enough of that for now. If I dwell on any given subject for too long, I become very introspective and basically chew apart my heart thinking things through too deeply. Like I said above, if given the oportunity, I will find the negatives in my life, and be blinded to the possitives.
Ok, moving on to different things. Let us start with the house of my dreams. I was at wal mart a couple weeks ago, and this lady handed me a flyer about a house that she had for sale. Well, curosity got the better of me and I hadda drive by and look. OMG! It has a pool, 2 car garage, 3 bed and 2 bath. The living room is the size of our ENTIRE apartment now! We thought, due to our horrible credit, that we had no shot at it. Well, as it turns out, they approved us for 95% of the total cost! Now do you have any idea how much plasma and semen we'll have to sell to get the other 5% for down payment? LOL. But, if this house does not work out, we have now found out that jarrods mom is REALLY wanting to get into real estate, so after a few months (maybe when our lease is up here) we can find something for her, and keep it "occupied for a while" lol. DP aside, we *might* still have a shot at this house though. The lender/owners are considering letting us lease the house for a year and then negotiate the purchase. In that case, we will have plenty of time to save for a nice sized DP! So, cross your toes and fingers, and eyes for us :-D
HUGE POOL PARTIES EVERYDAY IF WE GET IT!!!!
Well, I suppose that i should stop now. Otherwise no one will ever talk to me, cuz they will be reading forever! lol
As always, email or IM me and lets chat!
Until Next Time...
4:07pm
6-28-02 12:29am
Well, here I sit again, ready to bitch about my life and my loves and losses. However, that is not what I am going to do. (well, give me a few minutes, I might). In fact, I am feeling very manic tonight ("how does one feel manic?", you ask. Just watch the flow from subject to subject, and you will have that answer)
First Subject. The new guy. He has given me permission to use his name, but I will opt to use the simple letter "T". Well, as I have mentioned before, T has not been very communicative lately. I have actually taken that as a sign of him not wanting anything to do with me. However, according to him (and this still remains to be seen since I have not seen him nor talked to him except briefly online in 2 weeks!) he is still interested in a relationship. Believe me, I understand how he must be feeling. He is not out, and has also never been in a real relationship before. That said, he has done a few things that have made me worry. I will list them here. #1) He has said he would come by, almost everyday he has said this, and never does. He always has a reason for it, and regardless of my untrust fr MOST people, I believe and trust him about it. #2) the communication stopped (and he has assured me that it was sheer coincedence) the exact same day that I told X, the ex (just realized how appropriate the chosen name for him is lol) about him, T. So, as they said in Moulin Rouge, "Come What May". I just hate feeling like I am an afterthought to anyone. Either you want to try a relationship, or you dont. However, like I said, I believe him, and can completely understand his actions. However, I dont feel comfortable with the noncommunication and the , for lack of better words, ignoring of me. Space is good, and as i told T, I am absolutely fine with only getting to see him once or twice a week. But, I NEED a bit of effort on his part. I mean, an email or a call every other day, and I will feel good about things. He has not given me that. Ok, so it is partly my fault for not asking for it from the get go. Well, T, consider this my oficial request.
Ok, now, I will stop about T. I am very emotional and confused about the whole thing, and cannot dwell. it does no good. Until I see and talk to him, I will not know what's what. So, I will go on to another subject now.
I have finally decided what I think I need. (this MIGHT have a bit to do with T, but not entirely). I have managed to put into words what my heart has been trying to express. Here goes. And please do not laugh or make fun of this. It is a very serious epiphany for me.
I need someone to lift the sadness from my eyes.
Let me try and explain this. I had this exact thing with X. He managed, for most of our relationship, to lift the sadness that I have always felt. He has chosen, by actions and terrible, terrible words not to do this anymore. So, in fact, he has added more sadness to my eyes. I think that maybe I have found someone who *could* probably do this in T, But, he is not ready it seems to do this for me. Like I said, I understand, however, he is someone that could easily do it with a small bit of effort.
Now, in my depression at the feeling that i have lost T. I have started talking to someone else. (T, please do not think I am wanting something besides you, but you are not around, and I need someone to talk to). I will call him A. I have not met him, but have talked endlessly with him online as ell as fro HOURS on the phone. He is also someone that I feel (although I do not know him very well) could lift the sadness for me. Now, comes the horrible part. He and I were talking and getting along great, and now, he is ignoring me. Or so its seems. Maybe it is circumstances. But, I will not dwell on this either. I dont know the guy, and have never set my eyes on him. T I know, and have seen numerous times. T is the one I want. Whether he wants me or not.
Ok, enough on my "hopeless romantic" existance. Lets catch you all up with the rest of my recent days. Today, I called my friend Holly and had her go with me to a piercing tatoo shop. I was very upset at a few things, and decided some body art would be nice. Well, I gotta bad vibe from the place. And the way I seee it is this. If I am letting someone poke holes in my body, I damn well better feel comfortable there. So, i might look at a few more places tomorrow. I will most likely get a nice Celtic Sun tatoo around my belly button :-)
Well, I am emotionally drained. The last few days have found me in places that X and I went to a lot, and so I have cried a river! I will, hopefully, write more this weekend.
Until next Time...
6-28-02 1:04am
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